Full Circle Fridays|Week 9: I.F.S.

Author Note* If you prefer to listen or watch instead of or along with -
 Check out the YouTube video and/or the Podcast audio.

Straight from the IFS Institute itself, “Internal Family Systems is a powerfully transformative, evidence-based model of psychotherapy… IFS is a movement. A new, empowering paradigm for understanding and harmonizing the mind and, thereby, larger human systems. One that can help people heal and helps the world become a more compassionate place.” IFS was developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz just a few decades ago. In that short time, this model of therapy has revolutionized the lives of many trauma survivors. The basis of this model comes from the belief that all parts within each human have a positive purpose and intention, no matter the way they present to the human and the world as a whole. Before we go any further, let’s discuss what I just meant by “all the parts”.

Firstly, IFS identifies the Self as a whole, healed person. Your true Self, that authentic Self that I’m always going on and on about. The Self is not the watcher or observer the way that some meditation-based models explain it. The Self is the one who the watcher watches. The Self, the Seat of Consciousness as you may know it, is you. You can know you are operating as a Self-led being when you are experiencing the 8 C’s that IFS uses: confidence, calmness, creativity, clarity, curiosity, courage, compassion, and connectedness. When those 8 C’s are harmonized and working together, you would say you in your true Self. This is often described as feeling “Centered” — which is probably one of my favorite C words.

Next, the parts come into play. The IFS model is often called “parts work” when you are doing therapy literally working with your parts.

The Exiles are the (often) child-aged parts that have been isolated from the system due to trauma or abuse, which are shunned, shamed, feared, or guilted into exile. Exiles are the parts that are least heard, but that are one who want to be heard the most. Because Exiles are traumatized and often silenced or invisible, they can be hard to find. Once found, they can be hard to communicate with. However, the Exiles are what IFS intends to root out, listen to, and heal.

The Protectors jobs are all attempts to keep the Exiles from being seen because they hold so much shame and fear and guilt so that the Protectors feel they are a threat to entire system. The Protectors come in two forms: Managers and Firefighters.

Managers are a proactive role — the ones who like to keep the system in order. They are protecting the system from ever getting out of control — at work, in relationships, in stressful situations, anywhere. The Managers’ jobs are to keep the system from being hurt, rejected, or shamed anymore. This can come in the form of caretaking, overworking, drill sergeant like task management, overachieving, overanalyzing, strict preparing, constant planning, worrying, complicating relationships and events with overthinking, and drastic protective measures, etc.

Firefighters are the reactive parts that, when an Exile gets triggered, it lashes out in an attempt to put out the fire of feeling the Exile’s (often strong) emotions. This looks like self-destructive behavior, risky choices, self-harm, suicidal ideation, binge-eating, drug and alcohol addictions, any number of numbing behaviors, and more.

Both protectors are working to control the system from the Exile being activated, they just approach with different techniques. Both protectors believe they are doing what they can to attend to the Exiles, and to keep the system safe and healthy. This is why IFS believes that all parts of a person are intended for good, no matter the outcome of their protective style. Even the parts that seem self-punitive are honestly self-protecting. This shift in thinking allows you to befriend your parts, hear them, be gentle and kind to them, and work toward a resolution instead of striving to just “stop doing the negative behavior” associated with each part’s role.

This is why I personally believe that all healing is always possible because the system is always trying to keep the true Self functioning. Along the way, you have learned coping skills — some protectors that have been around since the very first instance of abuse as a child — to keep you safe. They did serve a purpose. As a child, if you couldn’t leave your dysfunctional home and the only solace you found was in binge-eating junk food, that mechanism allowed you to survive in the home until you could leave. That’s why it’s no longer serving you now, why you can appreciate its role in your life then, and why you can heal that part (the binge-eating protector AND the exiled scared inner child who used the binge-eating to survive). You can indeed heal through inner child work, re-parent yourself now, heal your exiles (which are often very young versions of yourself), and make a full circle recovery back to your true, centered Self. IFS can help you rebuild your intrapersonal bridge within yourself, repair your self-trust, and reunite with your self-abandoned dreams and goals like we spoke on a few weeks ago.

Recently, I recommended Dr. Schwartz’ book No Bad Parts in my episode called ‘Books’. I personally have been self-studying parts work for a few years and have entered into the self-exploration of my own inner child healing since the Pandemic. I am working on joining an IFS circle training this spring. I am not trained as IFS-certified, however, I do use a lot of this language in my coaching sessions. If you had developmental trauma, IFS is impactful and healing down to the roots of your original traumas.

Because I’m not clinically trained in this modality, I’m going to encourage you on a couple of things. Firstly, read No Bad Parts to get a better grasp beyond this quick synopsis that I just shared with you. This was a very incomplete quick overview. Keep learning and even try some of the self-therapy exercises in the book.

Next, think about whether you are at a place in your trauma recovery journey where you believe IFS Therapy would be a good step for you. Whatever you decide, coaching is always an option for you. However, I don’t plug IFS just to plug my own coaching services. I honestly want you to find healing, and I know the IFS model process can help. Please send me a message on the “Connect” tab of my website if you are not able to find an IFS therapist, are placed on long wait lists, or are struggling to know if IFS is right for you. I will help you with any resources I can offer. Even being coached with this type of language while I work on my own training can be helpful for you especially if you have read Schwartz’ books on this topic and are able to flesh out the basic concepts. I can help you go a bit deeper while you wait for a trained therapist’s help as well. Healing the inner child is work that will literally change the trajectory of your adulthood from here on out. I look forward to walking this journey with you.

Full Circle Fridays|Week 2: Books

*Author Note* If you prefer to listen or watch instead of or along with -
Check out the YouTube video and/or the Podcast audio.

On this Full Circle Friday, I thought it would be fun to talk about some books that I find immeasurably helpful on this path we call Life.  I have no affiliation to any of these authors, nor am I receiving any compensation for recommending them.  I have read every one of these (most more than once) and can say they are powerful for Trauma Survivors!  I personally have benefited from each of these in my healing and in understanding so much more about myself and my potential.  If you aren’t a reader, I believe all these picks have an audio book option on Amazon or wherever you listen to content.  Listening to audio books is a rewarding practice for road trips, regular commutes, while exercising, or walking alone. I don’t recommend using these types of books to help you sleep.  While that’s a great practice, I more prefer fiction for that task if you like.  These are the books that you want to be fully aware and present while reading or listening to so that you can take away all golden nuggets of wisdom and savor the remarkable moments of revelation.  For me, these picks are special because they have been digested in powerful ways - along with being notated, highlighted, earmarked, and then later journaled or quoted in my journals.  These are in no particular order.  I hope you’ll find some of these advantageous in your full circle journey!

What Happened To You? (by Dr. Bruce Perry, PHD and Oprah Winfrey)

This is a very nice read.  It’s a conversational style book between Dr. Perry and Oprah.  Oprah has been working with Dr. Perry for many years, so they have a wonderful relationship.  They basically break down trauma (intergenerational and personal) in such easy-to-understand terms.  They discuss everything from attachment, to neuroscience, to emotional engagement, to generational bias, to healing, and post traumatic growth.  So much sheer wisdom, science, exploration of emotions, and heart-warming stories of Oprah’s own healing journey!

The Alchemist (by Paulo Coelho)

This book is almost as old as I am!  It’s what we would call “enchanted”.  This book is a journey in and of itself.  We get to follow along as Santiago, the traveler, forges his way through the world in search of worldly treasure, but if you can guess, he finds much more treasure in wisdom and his own heart.  It’s a pilgrimage of sorts as he makes his way to the mecca of his inner being.  Of course, the discovery along the way is even as precious as the totality of his journey – as in life that the process should be more important than the destination.  “Said the alchemist, ‘Rest well tonight, as if you were a warrior preparing for combat. Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure. You’ve got to find the treasure, so that everything you have learned along the way can make sense.’” (pg 115)

The Untethered Soul (by Michael A. Singer)

How I love this book!  This is one I try to read once a year.  This book digs into the heart of who we truly are, who we are meant to be.  It knocks down any limitation you can put on yourself and really puts you on an inner journey.  This is such a transformative read.  It teaches us how to “open” and “stay open”.  Things that happen in life (such as trauma), we have a response to.  These responses or reactions helps us to open to what the world is trying to teach us and gift us with, or they close us.  We definitely do not want to close to the possibilities of life.  Closing up your heart creates a negative memory that gets trapped inside you.  This book challenges you to go beyond what has happened to you and create your own new narrative about how you interact with this world.  I love how it personally helped me to stay away from the victim mentality.  “You were not put on Earth to suffer.  You’re not helping anybody by being miserable… you have to let go of the part of you that wants to create melodrama.”  (ch. 15)

No Bad Parts (by Dr. Richard Schwartz, PHD)

If you are a trauma survivor, this book can and very well may change your life.  Internal Family Systems (IFS) was created by Dr. Schwartz the author.  In this, his latest book, he really lays out IFS therapy.  It teaches the common reader what IFS is, how to use it by identifying your ‘protectors’ and ‘exiles’.  IFS trained therapists are all around the globe, but this book brings it into your home with several self-exercises and true understanding of how our parts work.  I am currently studying IFS and plan to take an “IFS informed” course this coming year to add to my coaching certification.  Parts-work is much like inner child wound healing work.  It’s finding your inner parts, examining them, befriending them, healing them, so that you can move forward with internal harmony and work more from your True Self.  Five Stars from me.  Anything I can get my hands on with IFS is helping me in my own trauma healing and more so as a Trauma Recovery Coach with my clients.  I also tend to love anything that has transcripts of actual client sessions – which this book has several of them.  It is jaw dropping and eye opening to see Dr. Schwartz in action!

The Gift (by Edith Eger)

First of all, I must say how greatly I love this woman.  Dr. Edie is so inspirational, a personal hero of mine.  She is a Holocaust survivor and the kindest and funniest woman.  She has truly turned her deep, deep trauma into Post Traumatic Growth and used that growth to benefit the world as a whole.  Her story transcends anything you can imagine, and yet she has chosen to turn her tragedy into her most powerful gift.  Nearly every paragraph in my copy has some life-changing sentence highlighted.  She leaves you with zero excuses to work on your own healing but is kind enough to recognize that everyone is on their own path there.  She went back to school to get her doctorate at almost 50-years-old and was lamenting this age situation to a supervisor.  They said to her “You’ll be fifty anyway.”  She clung to that and continued on for all these years later to educate and transform herself to help her clients and everyone she crosses paths with.  “Do something you’ve never done before.  Change is synonymous with growth.  To grow, you’ve got to evolve instead of revolve.”  (ch. 9) “We’re all victims of victims.  How far back do you want to go, searching for the source?  It’s better to start with yourself.” (ch. 10)

Awareness (by Anthony DeMello)

This is another well-worn book in my library, one that I try to read again every year.  There’s probably not a very adequate way for me to explain this book.  This is a mesh of spirituality book, full of messages that will bend how you psychologically think about the reality around you.  It’s full of stories of everyday people who do everyday things – without thinking about them.  The author says that everyone walks around “asleep” until they choose to wake up.  It’s a different concept, but once you read it, you’ll suddenly realize that it’s totally true.  “We’re always dissatisfied, we’re always discontented, we’re always pushing.  Go on, put out more effort, more and more effort.  But there’s always that conflict inside; there’s very little understanding.” (pg 157) His insights have been challenging to me, but the more that I read it, the more that I have morphed into this ‘awareness’/’awakening’ so it’s less jarring.  However, my first read or two, his concept of the types of selfishness (for instance) took me weeks to digest, and I think about that on a regular basis.  One of my favorite paragraphs is talking about not clinging anything – even the good things: “Do you want to enjoy a melody? Do you want to enjoy a symphony?  Don’t hold on to a few bars of the music.  Don’t hold onto a couple of notes.  Let them pass, let them flow.  The whole enjoyment of a symphony lies in your readiness to allow the notes to pass.”  (pg 110)

Those are just some of my favorites.  I’d love to hear if any of these books are in your top picks if you’ve read them.  If you haven’t, let me know if you choose to read them.  I find these kinds of books to be super great resources in healing wounds from our past. They teach us about ourselves and challenge us to be all we can be.  What are some of your favorite books?  Shoot me a message or a comment below and let me know!