Wellspring Wednesdays|Week 25: YOLO

Author Note: If you prefer to listen or watch instead of or along with -
 Check out the YouTube video and/or the Podcast audio.

So, YOLO, right? You know — You Only Live Once. The acronym is said to be similar to the Carpe Diem phrase, in that it should ignite folks to really go out and capture it all before it goes away forever.

For Trauma Survivors, carpe’ing anything usually takes a back burner to just trying to survive, working on our healing, retraining our brains, reframing our thoughts, and finding new, healthier coping skills. So who has time for YOLO fun, right?

Consider this your invitation to just think about it. Maybe you need permission to carpe stuff right now. I give you full and utter permission; can you accept that for yourself? Maybe you don’t want to carpe the day, maybe just these next 5 minutes. Maybe for you, you already KNOW you only live once, but you are tired of just living and want to try to live in a new way … more powerfully, louder, larger, with more excitement, healthier, with a fresh start, or in a more positive way.

If you find yourself in the dark part of your trauma recovery journey where you feel like you aren’t free to dream yet — that’s okay. What if you just took this time while listening to/reading this episode to make a mental note that soon in the future it will be safe to try? Can you even imagine the place in your healing where you start having freedom from maladaptive coping skills and addictions, having new healthy friendships and supportive people to encourage you, having boundaries that protect you from those who want to take advantage of you, and having self-care regimen that fills you up from the inside? Can you begin to fantasize about what it will feel like when you can trust yourself and your gut instincts again? Just even recognizing those things today, can that be enough for right now?

If you are down the road a ways on your healing path, are you starting to make a bucket list? Are you allowing yourself to play and be creative? Have you given yourself permission to find happiness in the small wins and celebrate yourself? Are you ready to start carpe’ing things — recovering the peace and joy your trauma tried to steal from you?

Sure — YOLO! Instead of it being some kind of call to action, what if it could mean a quiet space to meditate on this one life you have been given? Yes, you do only live once, but your one life has brought you a lot of pain, misery, fear, suffering, and protective instincts to try to keep you alive. So now that you’ve come to this place of trauma recovery — is restoration of your happiness possible? Remind yourself that you only get one shot at this life — in this time, this body, this space. For some, YOLO is an anthem, a battle cry to live life to the fullest. And for you, maybe you are there now. And if you aren’t, YOLO can be a reminder that your life matters, and every day brings small gains, small progress. For us, each day, we are carpe’ing the hell out of our recovery. And that’s worth something amazing.

If you need a hand or help getting a leg up in the recovery process, feel free to reach out. I’ll do my best to resource you in any way I can. Schedule a free consult today to see if coaching is right for you in your process right now. Maybe it’s the next best thing for you to carpe this week! Your one, amazing, honest, true, authentic, best life is already here right now! Happy seizing!

Wellspring Wednesdays|Week 22: Victimhood v. Survivorhood

Author Note: If you prefer to listen or watch instead of or along with -
 Check out the YouTube video and/or the Podcast audio.

Disclaimer: This is an educational and opinion piece. This in no way reflects on a person who prefers to be considered a trauma/abuse Victim or a Survivor. This episode is food for thought to help you see both sides to each word, to think on your own preference, and to gain some insight into the lives of people living with trauma if you aren’t in the traumatized person category at all. As always, I am open for comments, questions, or concerns. As a trauma recovery coach — I want to offer you options to sort through so you can find what makes most sense for your journey.

In very recent history, the society has moved away from calling someone an assault victim, a domestic violence victim, a victim of abuse, or trauma victim to this more acceptable term of “survivor”. What does victimhood mean? What does survivorhood mean? Why do both terms have such different connotations?

Before I speak on my personal opinion — here’s some etymology.

The definition of Victimhood is “the state of a being a victim”. The term Victim comes from the Latin word ‘victima’ meaning to slaughter or kill. The dictionary says now that a victim is one who is killed, harmed, or injured, as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action. To be a victim means that one is hurt, killed, damaged, or destroyed by (fill in the blank). In simple terms: something or someone did damaging actions, or you were killed or hurt by a destructive event.

Survivorhood as a noun does not exist in the dictionary yet. It comes from the usage of the term “victimhood” but with the survivor/survived/survival concept tailored to the first part of the compound word. The word survivor itself means “a person that survives/lives” and a “person who continues to function and prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks”. So to define a Trauma Survivor — this would be a person who lived through and is prospering post traumatic hardship.

Either way you slice my forthcoming opinions — if you want to be called survivor, it means you were at some point, for some length of time, a victim. Victimhood comes first. You must be someone who is hurt, damaged, or destroyed by something or someone which executed a criminal act, accident, or traumatic event or actions on you. By pure definition, if a victim survives the pain and lives through it — they can be still considered a victim by choice or may prefer to switch to the term Survivor.

I believe the societal shift from victim to survivor has a beautiful purpose. I believe it is used in order to bring power back to the victim by acknowledging their survival. I can also understand that for some victims — they don’t feel like survivors. I hear you. Some victims feel irrevocably damaged, and they don’t feel they are at the place of prospering or even able to move forward. Some victims barely feel they are even alive. Victims sometimes also like this term for their personal story because it reminds people that they were victimized. By terminology, you cannot be victimized if you did not have an offender. This term victim may help you hold accountable the evildoer who damaged you in this traumatic or abusive way. There are some that believe the word “survivor” is for cancer patients, childhood illnesses, car accidents, violent acts of nature, and other traumas that didn’t have a villain to blame. I honor a victim’s feelings and will use that term with someone who prefers it. It’s their story, so I can listen and be moved to use their suitable title.

I can also explain the survivor’s side of the story and why they believe that is the more accurate title for them. A survivor, we saw by definition, is one who survived through any hardship — in this case, trauma. They didn’t just survive but are able to continue on and find prosperity. There is first a stage of victimhood where they must admit they were the victim of a crime or injustice or physical harm by someone who did terrible things to them. This is part of the process. Walking through what happened to you is a huge part of this. From there, one can move through the stages toward “survivorhood” by processing their past trauma, moving into the truth of what happened and how they respond to the trauma, and doing the deep work. Then, on the other side, they can now find glimpses of regaining trust with themselves and others, reconnecting to their authentic self, and reframing their experience to use it for surviving and thriving.

As you can tell from the title of this podcast (“Trauma Survivorhood”) that I personally prefer and associate more with the term Trauma Survivor. Some have argued that victimhood is a phase of survivorhood is a place where victims get stuck and don’t want to or can’t yet move forward or prosper. I wouldn’t be quick to judge someone in that space because the same has been said for someone who is “merely surviving” instead of going all out thriving. They could argue ‘why don’t you call yourself a Trauma Thriver?’. That’s why I can say with confidence — these are just words, terms, monikers, designations. The term itself doesn’t define where you are in this very difficult trauma recovery journey. There is no room, in my opinion, for us to be judging other trauma victims/survivors/thrivers.

Let’s all just continue to plug along winding our way through the trauma recovery labyrinth and encourage each other as we go. If you are in the place in your journey where you’d like to learn more about the trauma recovery process, please reach out to connect with me. I’d love to hear from you to resource you and encourage you.