Wellspring Wednesday|Week 20: Time
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“Time heals all wounds.” The end. Episode over. Go out and just wait for your healing to come magically to you.
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I find this statement to be personally unnerving and a bit offensive. I don’t think the Greek poet 2,000 years ago who seems to be the author meant it to be hurtful. In fact, I think he probably meant it for good. A soothing salve to help others get through their difficulties, losses, and grievances. I get the heart, but I don’t like the statement.
Not that it doesn’t have some truth. As you remember from episodes Nearsightedness and Objectivity, there is a quality to time and distance that allows for your mind to expand outward to even be receptive to healing. That is true. I agree with that. However, it’s not just some magic wand that waiting 15 years after a sexual assault that you’ll be wound-free. Just as there is not prescription of “add 17 months after you leave your abusive mother’s home and you’ll be cured”. In fact, beyond the original abuse, we know that trauma survivors — especially of childhood trauma — are much more likely to have recurring traumatic relationships, have a more reactionary trigger to new traumas like the death of a friend or a car accident, and are more prone to addictions, crime, and other coping skills that shorten their lifespan. So should we really be waiting around for time to fix all our woes?
I know that sounds dramatic, but as years go on with unhealed trauma, survivors are still suffering the aftereffects, struggling to keep the hope, and can become more isolated away from treatments that can help as the days go on. For some survivors, there is a desperation.
In the practice of IFS (like I spoke on weeks ago), strong protectors are working hard to keep the vulnerable, exiled inner children inside of survivors protected from pain and more suffering. As time goes on, a protector that has a lot of trust issues — for example — will only be proven right again and again as people fail them and the world remains scary. Ultimately, they are doing a great job protecting the ‘exiles’ inside — but they are doing a disservice to the system as a whole. As time marches on, this protector may indeed become more and more resistant to help, and another protector who is “tired of the trust issues” can come to cover that original protector. So now you have an inner child who was taught that people are scary from their original abuse, a protector who works to keep that exile safe by not allowing it to trust anyone, and then another protector who layers on top who is sick and tired of not trusting and getting hurt. Then your Self is sick and tired, and yet days are marching on. It can seem to be getting worse.
Again, I know the author of the saying meant well. I just feel the need to add on here that no matter the trauma, time is just one of the players in the game. It’s what you DO with that time that most matters. Even if it wasn’t childhood trauma, this is true. Let’s say you are in a really terrible accident and lose the ability to walk. You wouldn’t just sit in your wheelchair waiting for time to heal your legs. You would work hard with PT, special treatments, and therapies. With time, multiplied by a lot of work and tons of pain, you can relearn how to walk. Let’s also say that there are no therapies that will help you regain the ability to walk. Now you are just sitting in your wheelchair — but it’s still about what you do with the days after that reality. It takes time to rebuild self-confidence, and that’s only after accepting the truth and dealing with the grief of the loss of your legs as well as all the freedom that goes with it. It takes time to allow others to take care of this new dependent you, and it takes time to work at the small ways you can learn some independence even with your new condition. That’s time multiplied by work and tons of pain again.
Same is true for all types of survivors. Truth is, here you are — a Survivor! Let’s stop and take a moment to applaud that. Next, what can you do with your time post-trauma to work at your healing? What’s the next right step for you? How are you manifesting your healing in the time you’ve been given? Do you need to allow yourself to be angry at your abuser? Do you need to forgive yourself and recognize you aren’t even to blame? Can you learn to be okay with your aftereffects that trauma gave you all the while working to supplant some of the maladaptive coping mechanisms with new, healthy ones? Are you ready to try some modalities of therapy? Are you at a place where having a coach is right for you? Have you allowed yourself to grieve someone you lost? Have you sought out help for your addiction? What do you need in order to be successful at a new relationship or a career move? Are you happy in your current living situation or do you need to make some changes? Have you designed a regimen of self-care and accountability to help you along the way?
Time multiplied by nothing is nothing. Time multiplied by hard, arduous work is healing. Time alone can’t heal all wounds. Time and doing “the stuffs” — that can heal all wounds. Trust me, I know that, eventually, with enough of the time, patience, work, and support — you can heal. If you need a hand, reach out and let me know. Keep on keeping on. Time is marching on, and so come the opportunities to heal and return to your authentic Self. You are amazing!
